LIFE AFTER SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

What does it feel like when your relationship is breaking down and there’s nothing you can do to salvage it? If I could explain the feeling in 3 words, I’d say isolating, lonely and sadness. Whether it’s 5 days, 3 months or 25 years, a loss is a loss and everyone experiences the feeling differently.

It’s very cliche to say, “everything will be ok”, “everything happens for a reason” or “move on” but when you’re right in the middle of it, I’ve never found these words to be helpful nor supportive. After all the tears shed (I’m pretty sure I have no more tears left inside of me) and the months of endless roller coaster of emotions, I finally decided to take action. I took action to avoid becoming a bitter old lady where my only partner at the end of the day would be my lonely self.

A few things I found to be helpful and supportive for myself:

• Take the time you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself the space to feel all of the emotions one at a time. It’s ok to feel fucked up, cry, laugh, scream, be happy, act crazy, be angry and lash out. Again, IT’S OK!
• Take a social media break. When you’re going through a relationship loss, the last thing you want to see is every couple celebrating their new proposal or 15 year anniversary. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy for others but the algorithm just seems to know what to feed you so you feel even shittier.
• Surround yourself with yourself! Go back into yourself and reflect! Reflect on your relationship and the part you played in the breakdown of the relationship. This doesn’t include self blame but just the parts that you wish to forgive yourself for and not bring into future relationships.
• Surround yourself with others who allow you to cry and are there to give you hugs. This means, surrounding yourself with those who are empathetic to your situation and provide a safe space for you to openly express without bias, judgement or unsolicited advice. This may be a very select few and some may get upset that you don’t include them but remember, it’s about you and not them.
• Journal the shit out of your feelings when you feel yourself going into your head. Let it out on paper and keep writing until your brain is empty. Burn it if you have to but keep writing.
• Read books! There are so many great books out there to help pass the time. I’ve created a list of book recommendations on the main page that really helped me during my own separation.
• Slowly indulge back into the things that make you feel good. Do things you haven’t done or have wanted to do for a long time but felt like you couldn’t. Challenge yourself to conquer something new. Take courses, go back to school, climb a mountain, run a race, volunteer and give back to those who are less fortunate than you! This will all start to bring the confidence back in. It may be scary but jump into that scary, your future self will thank you for it.
• Love yourself again! This is probably the toughest step as we can really be our own worst enemies. Love yourself for making it through each day, love yourself for feeling all the feels, love yourself for getting out of your bed, love yourself for drinking a glass of water. Love yourself for every move you make that pushes you to make your next move.

At the end of the day, there is definitely life after separation and divorce by focusing on yourself and appreciating the baby steps you take each day to get there.

-Real change comes when you focus on yourself.

Lisa Smith